Don\u2019t beat yourself up over something you did. Look forward instead. <\/em><\/p>\nCarol: I love this tip. It\u2019s a reminder and I just think I have to be reminded of this constantly.<\/p>\n
Katie: Constantly as women.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Carol: I beat myself up over way too much stuff and it is things that nobody else notices.<\/p>\n
Katie: That\u2019s why we put it in here. Think of a time dear listeners, when you lay in bed at night or maybe got woken up in the middle of the night because you couldn\u2019t go back to sleep because your hormones were waging in some sort of whacko way and you start thinking about what happened that wasn\u2019t ideal or you start thinking about what you might see as a stupid move you are beating yourself on the forehead for, \u201cWhy did I say that?\u201d<\/p>\n
Carol: \u201cWhy did I do that? Why did I say that?\u201d<\/p>\n
Katie: Is it as big a deal as you are making it?<\/p>\n
Carol: You know I\u2019m going to say no. It\u2019s never as big a deal as we think it is in our minds and we blow it up and we go over it again and again and again and what would I have done differently and how come I didn\u2019t do that in the first place and I\u2019m going to tell on you \u2013 I don\u2019t know if you played this over in your mind a lot but I have heard you tell the story \u2013 and that is one of the first times I saw Katie speaking, she came out from the bathroom and had her skirt tucked into her pantyhose. I don\u2019t think I saw that. Other people did and you recovered. Did you go over that in your mind later? Like, could I have done that better? I think you actually recovered very well.<\/p>\n
Katie: Thank you. I think we did bring this up recently in a podcast for a different application, like whether \u2013 I don\u2019t remember if it was embarrassing moments or what but I did not want to draw attention to it because I wasn\u2019t sure how many people saw it so I just yanked my skirt where it was supposed to be and kept going. Was I mortified on the inside? Uh-huh, yes.<\/p>\n
Carol: Ooh and I have one. This still \u2013 30 years ago I did some modeling and it was at a shopping center and I happened to be on a runway. My button, my top button to the blouse popped open and I was exposed, you know my bra was exposed and I was mortified, just absolutely mortified. Interesting \u2013 my comeback for that was \u2013 because everybody was looking at me and I just \u2013 I went and I buttoned it, and I looked at everybody in the audience and I put my finger up to my mouth like a \u201cShhh\u201d, just like, \u201cdon\u2019t tell.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEverybody saw that now everybody don\u2019t tell.\u201d<\/p>\n
Katie: Oh that\u2019s a great move.<\/p>\n
Carol: It really did feel like a good comeback but at my age at the time I was mortified, horrified \u2013<\/p>\n
Katie: It damaged your character.<\/p>\n
Carol: I don\u2019t think I ever modeled again.<\/p>\n
Katie: Good for you. That\u2019s a good example. Recovering \u2013 we do talk about this sometimes in public speaking, how do you recover from things that you did and maybe this is a nice follow onto a previous podcast about public speaking because we fear things going on and so we fear stumbling or we fear saying the wrong thing or I have said things before that came off as a bad word instead of the \u2013<\/p>\n
Carol: The word you were hoping came out.<\/p>\n
Katie: And I look around and people, they either get it or they pretend they don\u2019t get it and I beat myself up over it. So it kind of translates into this tip, which is don\u2019t beat yourself up other something you did.<\/p>\n
Carol: So how do you get those horrifying thoughts out of your mind? I also don\u2019t sleep well so in the middle of the night, wake up, \u201cOh my god I can\u2019t believe I did that.\u201d<\/p>\n
Katie: Well do you wonder whether people that are to-the-core self-confident have those thoughts?<\/p>\n
Carol: I do wonder.<\/p>\n
Katie: I do wonder because I think people look at you and they say, \u201cYou are self-confident.\u201d People say that to me and I am self-confident but there\u2019s always that little talk inside my head, \u201cWell I don\u2019t know everything.\u201d And maybe it\u2019s a fear of exposure. I like having the image of not being perfect because to me it\u2019s an out.<\/p>\n
Then if something I do \u2013 well here\u2019s what I do. And if it\u2019s in the middle of the night it seems like nothing else is going on but whatever is in my head or I\u2019m trying to fall asleep so it seems like a much bigger thing.<\/p>\n
I tell myself two things: number one, just embrace it and it is what it is. Wait until the morning and then reassess it because it almost always is a nonevent in if morning. It seemed bigger in the middle of the night.<\/p>\n
And then the second thing I do, if it\u2019s still kind of around in the morning, is I think about what would I think of someone else if they did that? So for the most part it\u2019s me being a big mouth. Like I said a joke that I thought was funny and it was maybe a little bit over \u2013 I wonder if it was over the edge. So I made some people laugh and maybe it was at the expense of someone but when I look back at it the next day and I say if somebody said that about me I wouldn\u2019t have known that she was joking. I wouldn\u2019t have said it was at my expense. So then I say, \u201cIf they took it the wrong way it\u2019s their fault.\u201d<\/p>\n
Carol: Put the blame back on them.<\/p>\n
Katie: Yeah because I\u2019m not that \u2013 I\u2019m a little edgy but I\u2019m not so edgy that I\u2019m going to tell somebody something really painful.<\/p>\n
Carol: No I\u2019ve heard you be edgy before and it could \u2013 if you don\u2019t have a sense of humor \u2013 you probably would be offended and too bad. That person had no sense of humor and you can\u2019t really bring them up again.<\/p>\n
Katie: There is nobody that listens to us that doesn\u2019t have a sense of humor.<\/p>\n
Carol: That\u2019s right. Everybody.<\/p>\n
Katie: Because we\u2019re all pretty cool.<\/p>\n
Carol: Well so I love those coping mechanisms. I like the idea of telling yourself would you be offended in that case? I also use Myron Kaeding and the way she looks as these things is it\u2019s a very Zen-Buddhist type, \u201cHow does that thought make you feel?\u201d<\/p>\n
Katie: Which, the thought of beating yourself up?<\/p>\n
Carol: The thought of beating yourself up. How does it make you feel? Can you live without that thought? And how would your life be if you didn\u2019t have that thought? It really gives you a pause to just let go of your thoughts and if your thoughts are torturing you, why do you have to have them? It\u2019s just a thought.<\/p>\n
Katie: Oh that\u2019s true.<\/p>\n
Carol: And you can do this with other parts of your life too. If there are things in your life that are torturing you, is it something you have to hold onto? Oh yes I have to hold onto that thought because it is the core of my being. I have to have that thought because it makes me who I am.<\/p>\n
Well if you didn\u2019t have that thought \u2013<\/p>\n
Katie: Are you any less you?<\/p>\n
Carol: Are you any less you? Would you be any worse off? Is there a reason to hold onto that thought?<\/p>\n
Katie: Well it helps me to talk about it so this is kind of therapeutic for me for those times when I do it because when I am in the middle of the night, and I\u2019m thinking, \u201cStupid. Stupid. Stupid.\u201d I can say, \u201cNo, it\u2019s not.\u201d I can recall this conversation that you and I just had.<\/p>\n
Let me switch to a parallel thing that will come back to this \u2013 do you need to have positive feedback regularly?<\/p>\n
Carol: I like it. I don\u2019t have to have it.<\/p>\n
Katie: Okay and what would I mean by have to have? If you don\u2019t, do you start to behave a little more insecurely or not?<\/p>\n
Carol: Do I have a lot of self-doubt if I don\u2019t have it?<\/p>\n
Katie: Yeah.<\/p>\n
Carol: No.<\/p>\n
Katie: Okay so I think that I, in certain situations, I will miss it. Maybe it\u2019s the situation. Maybe it\u2019s situational.<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s an example: I\u2019m co-working \u2013 I\u2019m on a project right now that has to do with some leadership training with somebody that I haven\u2019t worked with before and it\u2019s been very enjoyable. And it\u2019s hard to work with somebody else when you do a lot on your own, right? But I knew I would benefit from it.<\/p>\n
Carol: Right and I do know this about Katie. Just go to a speaking engagement with Katie and it\u2019s interesting.<\/p>\n
Katie: What? Where are you going with that? And do you know where I\u2019m going?<\/p>\n
Carol: No, go ahead. I think I do.<\/p>\n
Katie: You better hold onto that thought because I\u2019m going to dig into that in a minute because I have no idea what it is.<\/p>\n
So with her, and she\u2019s professional and she kind of has the same sort of background but she and I have never worked together. The two of us \u2013 picture us \u2013 you know maybe across the table working on something, we\u2019re really \u2013 it\u2019s more symbolically we\u2019re shoulder to shoulder, looking forward at this product that we\u2019re creating and doing together.<\/p>\n
And so because of that it\u2019s not a lot of, \u201cOh good job. Oh you did that well.\u201d It\u2019s not a lot of this feedback, going back and forth because we\u2019re so caught up in, \u201cLet\u2019s make it a really good training product.\u201d And so I realized the other day and I think I have been trying to give her positive feedback because I think that\u2019s what I need and we just haven\u2019t been in positive feedback mode because I\u2019m ready for that.<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s an example of a situation, it\u2019s kind of new. I\u2019m readily for some positive feedback. So for me, those are the vulnerable areas where it\u2019s an area of growth for me. It\u2019s an area of something new. I kind of need to hear, \u201cHow am I doing?\u201d<\/p>\n
Carol: With somebody else new you want to know that you are working well with them.<\/p>\n
Katie: Right. So that comes back around to am I more likely to beat myself up over something because it\u2019s relatively new, I\u2019m not so good at it, or I don\u2019t know if I\u2019m good at it or not because I\u2019m not hearing from somebody other than what\u2019s happening in my own head. The bottom line question of this being, \u201cCan positive feedback overcome this beating up over something you did?\u201d<\/p>\n
Carol: Interesting.<\/p>\n
Katie: I think maybe it can. So the more you are being stroked, the less likely you are to harbor on those feelings.<\/p>\n
Carol: To beat yourself up over something minor that happened, even major.<\/p>\n
Katie: Next question then, \u201cHow can you surround yourself with positive feedback?\u201d And one of the interesting answers is, \u201cYou ask for it.\u201d You could ask people.<\/p>\n
Carol: That\u2019s true. Interesting. I\u2019m right in the mid of this. I have requested from the people who pay me, to give me an evaluation. I haven\u2019t had one for years.<\/p>\n
Katie: Really.<\/p>\n
Carol: Yeah. I\u2019m supposed to get one every year and I think they just think, \u201cYeah you are doing a great job. We don\u2019t have time. Keep going.\u201d And I finally sat them down and I said, \u201cI want to know how you feel about the job I\u2019m doing and you need to get this done.\u201d I set it all in motion. I gave everything they needed to get it done. I told them, this is because I heard from a board member, just recently, that he absolutely loved the job I was doing. He absolutely thought I was perfect for the job and he just gushed over \u2013<\/p>\n
Katie: Isn\u2019t that nice?<\/p>\n
Carol: It was so nice and I realized, at that point, that I had been having all of these self-doubts because I don\u2019t hear that.<\/p>\n
Katie: Well what a great lesson?<\/p>\n
Carol: It was a great lesson. It was like, \u201cDang. You know what? I think they love me. I think they really love me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Katie: A board that I\u2019m on we have done executive director evaluation two times in the last three years, if you guys want to borrow our template.<\/p>\n
Carol: I would love \u2013 I have a template. They just haven\u2019t been doing it and then they wanted to go out and do a 360 with my staff and I\u2019m like, \u201cThat\u2019s fine for you but this evaluation is for me to know what you think, not what my staff thinks,\u201d because I already know what my staff thinks. We work together daily.<\/p>\n
What I don\u2019t know is how do my bosses think I\u2019m doing. If I need to correct something then let me know. I build this stuff up in my head and I beat myself up over something that I don\u2019t think they even know I\u2019m beating myself up over, so positive feedback is really important and for those of you who have people that you work with, understand that positive feedback is very important for them because they beat themselves up too.<\/p>\n
And women do it worse than men. I\u2019m convinced.<\/p>\n
Katie: Why is that?<\/p>\n
Carol: I don\u2019t know but we will have a the undercover man \u2013<\/p>\n
Katie: We are going to have an undercover man in the future episode about this and we may even get it into this episode but I think it\u2019s good to have a man\u2019s perspective on this because sometimes we beat ourselves up over what we think a man is thinking about us and it couldn\u2019t be further from the truth. So I think it would be good to have a man\u2019s perspective.<\/p>\n
Katie: Well, where\u2019s the value in beating yourself up? Maybe I may have just discovered the critical question? Where\u2019s the value in beating yourself up?<\/p>\n
Carol: Why do we do it?<\/p>\n
Katie: I don\u2019t know. There is probably fear behind it.<\/p>\n
Carol: Uh-huh. It is fear based. There must be something in your DNA that makes us do this because we all do it.<\/p>\n
Katie: It\u2019s got to be self-confidence. It\u2019s got to be self-image. Or if you are a perfectionist, you want to be doing something better. It could be very person related. So I was just thinking, what is the value in it and are we changing anything by the beating ourselves up and how can you move beyond it?<\/p>\n
I heard somebody once say, \u201cWhen you find judgmental thoughts, rather than being frustrated by them \u2013 this is very visual and conceptual and I don\u2019t know if it will make sense or not but \u2013 when you have those, \u201cOh I wish I hadn\u2019t said that.\u201d<\/p>\n
Instead of the pushing away, pushing away, look at it instead of embracing it. I said that. Listen to what I did. Maybe find something positive in it like, \u201cI\u2019m sure the rest of the people saw me as strong and outspoken because I took the risk at saying something.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah I may have offended somebody. It happened.\u201d Can you hear the different self-talk and the embracing than the, \u201cOh I can\u2019t believe I\u2019m beating myself up.\u201d<\/p>\n
So if you can get to that embracing phase and just kind of hug it, and then let it go. Maybe you\u2019ll be more likely to flush it down the toilet figuratively at that point.<\/p>\n
Carol: Easily at that point. Pema Chodron? Do you know who she is?<\/p>\n
Katie: No.<\/p>\n
Carol: She\u2019s a Buddhist monk I believe. She talks about embracing thoughts, embracing those difficult thoughts and more in a meditative way. Take that thought into meditation, embrace it, love it for what it is, let it be with you, let it sit with you, and then let it go because you\u2019ve worked through it.<\/p>\n
Katie: Has anyone ever said, in talking about loving it, has everybody ever said to you that part of what you just did was part of what they love about you? So I\u2019ll use the example of me again, big mouth, if I said something to be funny and it may have been edgy or over the line, are there also people that say, \u201cGod I love that about you.\u201d And now it\u2019s like, it\u2019s part of me. That\u2019s my character. Let me be clear. I don\u2019t go around leaving a trail of bloody bodies behind me, at all.<\/p>\n
Carol: You don\u2019t. You use your sense of humor and I can see where people without a sense of humor might be offended by some things you say.<\/p>\n
Katie: And I could use it to shut people up.<\/p>\n
Carol: And you do.<\/p>\n
Katie: And I do. If there\u2019s somebody that deserved it. In a workshop for example, if somebody is being a sniper so to speak, then I will sometimes call them out publicly but I will sometimes call them out publicly. I\u2019m very careful about that because these are clients that are usually in there but sometimes a team needs that. They need to hear a dynamic kind of stifled. So what was I getting at?<\/p>\n
The positive \u2013 the loving of it \u2013 as part of embracing it, is it seen as, that\u2019s part of me. There is a skill in that. I mean that\u2019s one way of looking at it.<\/p>\n
Another way of looking at it or another thing to consider I should say is where does the lessons learned of this come into parenting, those of us that are parents?<\/p>\n
I have two daughters. You have amongst you and stepdaughters, actually I have three daughters if you count stepdaughters and you have five if you count stepdaughters, so girls especially need that safe environment to develop their psyche and their personality. I think that\u2019s because they are in a culture, a society that\u2019s so unfair about women\u2019s images, so unrealistic. So think about the potential for lack of self-confidence that\u2019s in our girls. Think about that potential.<\/p>\n
So when we parent, how can we keep from having those nights of beating themselves up or hating what they said?<\/p>\n
Carol: Or just how they look or you know they\u2019ve gained some weight or something \u2013 the self-image thing \u2013 I think it\u2019s having the conversations with them, making sure they understand those are air-brushed women in those magazines. Those are not real women and that real woman has cellulite on her legs just like every other real women.<\/p>\n
And then being sure to have that conversation and being sure to have the conversation that they are wonderful and fascinating just the way they are, that positive feedback.<\/p>\n
Katie: Give them love, embrace them, and positive feedback and a safe environment. It just goes back to that, how do you parent? The tough love certainly has a time but boy when it comes to this, what goes through their heads, their poor little heads. Oh I would not like to be \u2013<\/p>\n
Carol: A teen again. No kidding. I had that thought. I was with my girls this weekend, and of course they are experimenting with partying.<\/p>\n
Katie: You could have said a lot of bad \u2013 worse things than that.<\/p>\n
Carol: Yes there are in college and it\u2019s just a little nerve wracking, watching them go through that.<\/p>\n
Katie: Well one of mine is at that same college, in the same sorority.<\/p>\n
Carol: So they have each other to tell on each other.<\/p>\n
Katie: I started thinking, you were talking for just a minute about the image that\u2019s around us and how it all leads back to we kind of beat ourselves of because the image around us in society is so high and perfect and then I see somebody that is a role model of mine that doesn\u2019t look perfect. I love her and of course she doesn\u2019t look perfect. Her hair is kind of a funky style or she\u2019s a little overweight. To me that\u2019s nothing.<\/p>\n
So then I apply that to myself, why would I be so worried about how I have to look? I like to be put together for me. I won\u2019t tell you what I\u2019m wearing right now because we\u2019re not on camera so I didn\u2019t put myself together, right? So I like that feeling, if it makes me feel good when I\u2019ve got an outfit on that makes me feel good.<\/p>\n
Carol: I was watching on the Today Show, they had \u2013 which has changed a lot but they have Bulldog, who is a rapper? Have you heard of Bulldog?<\/p>\n
Carol: No.<\/p>\n
Katie: Many of our followers probably have but maybe the younger ones, but Bulldog wears a three-piece suit. He\u2019s a nice looking guy. He\u2019s, I won\u2019t say what ethnicity he is because I will get it wrong but I\u2019m thinking Puerto Rican or something.<\/p>\n
And he\u2019s got dancers. So he\u2019s performing and it was kind of a good funky song and he\u2019s got four women that are in \u2013 it had a little country theme to it so they had on short cowboy boots and cut off jeans that were about as high as they could go and still be on morning TV and something that was showing a busty top and they were dancing. They were very talented.<\/p>\n
And they were beautiful. And they were all smiling. He has these \u2013 the proverbial good looking women that all she\u2019s doing is dancing and looking good and the manly looking guy. I know a lot of women who have an issue with that image.<\/p>\n
Is it condescending to women because \u2013 and then the other side of me, but we\u2019re more beautiful than men might be. We can be more beautiful than men might be so isn\u2019t it great that we are women. Is there a part of that that we can highlight and embrace as long as these women aren\u2019t bringing down the entire gender in some way?<\/p>\n
I know this is a bigger conversation.<\/p>\n
Carol: It is. I think about it and I think of what we are doing to our women right now is really semi-criminal. I guess it does have to do with beating yourself up other something because I don\u2019t have to have that thought but I do think \u2013 I can\u2019t tell a college student from a hooker anymore. And nobody can because the skirts are the same length. The high heels are the same height. The cleavage that\u2019s being shown. So you really can\u2019t tell. So we\u2019ve taken on a hooker look for women and I\u2019m not happy about it. Maybe because I\u2019m 50 and I don\u2019t look like a hooker anymore.<\/p>\n
Katie: There are 50-year-old hookers.<\/p>\n
Carol: Yes I could and I could wear those shoes too. Then I\u2019d look like a transvestite. I\u2019m really tall.<\/p>\n
Katie: I don\u2019t want women to look like men. I\u2019m not saying that. That\u2019s kind of where you and I are going with this. Where is the balance of the femininity in the workplace that\u2019s appropriate? We\u2019re trying to push the line out on that just a little bit. When I was an engineer many years ago I didn\u2019t wear a suit but I almost always wore a blazer and it was almost always black, brown, or blue.<\/p>\n
Carol: So manly.<\/p>\n
Katie: So manly and that was how you looked professional. Now women wear pretty things. Some ruffles. I like that change.<\/p>\n
Carol: I do too and I think that\u2019s what we are pushing for. I actually don\u2019t like the high heel pencil skirt. Everybody looks good in it. It looks very professional. I guess if you\u2019ve got to do it you\u2019ve got to do it but I like the idea of having some flowing garments that are feminine and just not that tough look. And we\u2019re not there yet.<\/p>\n
Katie: Well of all people that should be wearing high heels, I should be, and I shouldn\u2019t say should. That\u2019s silly, right?<\/p>\n
Carol: Right.<\/p>\n
Katie: But my feet hurt in anything higher than about an inch.<\/p>\n
Carol: Well mine do too. I guess that\u2019s from wearing high heels all my life.<\/p>\n
Katie: I don\u2019t think I ever really did. I\u2019ve just got bad feet.<\/p>\n
Carol: Well on that note, don\u2019t beat yourself up over that Katie.<\/p>\n
Katie: You saw right where I was going. Are you going to tell me what you were going to say earlier?<\/p>\n
Carol: Oh I was totally over that. No I was just going to say that we\u2019ve done some speaking engagements together and Katie is used to doing them on her own.<\/p>\n
Katie: Oh when I interrupt you like this?<\/p>\n
Carol: No it\u2019s more that you leave me backstage and I have to interrupt you and push myself into the conversation because Katie can go on and on and on. And I love her for that.<\/p>\n
Katie: Well I\u2019ll tell you. Working with this other women right now, it\u2019s hard to have two people talking regardless.<\/p>\n
Carol: Totally understood.<\/p>\n
Katie: Well let\u2019s leave it at that because ladies we are going to let you use this as a therapeutic moment and don\u2019t beat yourself up over something you did. Look forward instead and that whole looking forward concept is maybe one of the other tips. Leave it behind you and look forward.<\/p>\n
Carol: Use it for the lessons it taught you and move on.<\/p>\n
(Music plays)<\/p>\n
That\u2019s it for this episode of the Skirt Strategies podcast. Thank you for joining us and please be sure to leave a question or comment at Skirtstrategies.com. Remember that success comes when you lead using your natural female strengths.<\/p>\n
[end of transcript]<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Katie and Carol discuss Tip 11 from Skirt Strategies: 249 Success Tips for Women in Leadership. In this episode Katie and Carol give you practical suggestions for moving forward and letting go of the negative emotions around fear and self-doubt created when we don’t perform at our best. Tip #11 – Don\u2019t beat yourself up […]<\/p>\n
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