Avoid gossip. It looks immensely unprofessional.<\/em><\/p>\nKatie: We added the descriptor about unprofessional, because I wanted to give it (when we wrote it) just a little sting.<\/p>\n
Carol: Right.<\/p>\n
Katie: It\u2019s tempting to do the gossip. And you can get me going. But if you\u2019re reminding me how unprofessional that looks, I\u2019m going to hold back just a little bit \u2013 if I possibly can.<\/p>\n
Carol: Right. Well, and interestingly one of the things I would say about gossip and the dangers of it \u2013 is making a decision based on somebody said about something else\u2026<\/p>\n
Katie: Rather than what you know as fact?<\/p>\n
Carol: Oh! So dangerous!<\/p>\n
Katie: Or even if you\u2019re passing it on and you do know it for a fact \u2013 is it necessary?<\/p>\n
Carol: Right. Well, then it\u2019s just Cathy and a friend of mine who works at the Animal Humane Society would say, \u201cDon\u2019t say that. That\u2019s mean to cats.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nBut one of the things that has come up in my life a lot \u2013 is that people will ask me to make decisions based on hearsay. And usually, it\u2019s somebody saying that somebody else did something else.<\/p>\n
Katie: Okay.<\/p>\n
Carol: And I\u2019d say, \u201cAbsolutely not. I will not make a decision based on that because I didn\u2019t see it. I don\u2019t know it to be true until I hear it from that person.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nSo I will investigate and try to get down to the bottom of it. But unless I know something to be absolutely true, I do not make a decision about that.<\/p>\n
Katie: Even if you know it to be true, it\u2019s not necessarily the way that it happened.<\/p>\n
Carol: Sure. No, giving everybody a chance to talk about what happened from their point of view is very critical.<\/p>\n
Katie: Is pretty critical.<\/p>\n
Carol: And the other thing I don\u2019t do \u2013 is I don\u2019t discipline people in front of each other.<\/p>\n
Katie: Oh! No.<\/p>\n
Carol: Which is interesting because it\u2019s kind of like in a family. You know, my brother always used to say that, \u201cWell, Carol never gets in trouble for that.\u201d<\/em> And I used to always say, \u201cWell, Stan never gets in trouble for that.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nAnd you know what? We were both getting in trouble for it. It just wasn\u2019t being done in front of us.<\/p>\n
Katie: Oh, okay.<\/p>\n
Carol: Right. So I think I may have gotten that value from my mother \u2013 that you just don\u2019t discipline people in front of each other. It\u2019s embarrassing and it\u2019s wrong.<\/p>\n
Katie: Right.<\/p>\n
Carol: So when somebody comes to me with hearsay or gossip and says, \u201cThat person did such and such and it\u2019s against our rules. You need to do something about it.\u201d <\/em>I will definitely do something about it. The person who told me may never know.<\/p>\nAnd what I\u2019m going to do is investigate. I\u2019m not going to go to that person and say, \u201cYou did such and such.\u201d<\/em> I\u2019m going to say, \u201cThere\u2019s a rumor that something has happened. Would you like to tell me about it from your point of view?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nKatie: Now, let\u2019s say that the information is one of two categories, germane to work on business or completely unrelated.<\/p>\n
Carol: Okay.<\/p>\n
Katie: I heard that so and so god a DWI last week.<\/p>\n
Carol: Ouch.<\/p>\n
Katie: And I know it to be pretty true, but I actually haven\u2019t seen it written on paper \u2013 so I don\u2019t know for sure.<\/p>\n
Is that legitimate to be passing along?<\/p>\n
Carol: Okay. So in the situation where that person maybe driving a company vehicle that\u2019s against the company rules \u2013 for some reason, if it\u2019s a situation where you just know that about the person and it has nothing to do with their job, I don\u2019t think that\u2019s fair.<\/p>\n
Katie: Okay.<\/p>\n
Carol: And I don\u2019t think it\u2019s fair to talk about it to another person that can\u2019t do anything.<\/p>\n
Katie: It\u2019s like, \u201cWhy are you saying it?\u201d<\/em> \nCarol: Right. That\u2019s just me.<\/p>\nKatie: Well, especially if you put it on Facebook.<\/p>\n
Carol: Oh my God!<\/p>\n
Katie: I don\u2019t do that.<\/p>\n
Carol: Oh, you haven\u2019t yet.<\/p>\n
Katie: But I wouldn\u2019t do that. I would not do that.<\/p>\n
Carol: No. And sometimes you know? We have girlfriends and we talk to them and we tell them things. And it\u2019s okay if they understand that this is just between the two of you. But sometimes you\u2019ve got to say that.<\/p>\n
Katie: Well, I would like to know that it was held between the two of us \u2013 if it was something I told them.<\/p>\n
Carol: But sometimes if you don\u2019t say that, they don\u2019t know that that\u2019s what your expectation is. So just be sure and say that \u2013 if that is your expectation.<\/p>\n
I have a situation where I had a friend at work (and she was a colleague of mine.) I was venting about something work-related. She thought it was God\u2019s word and she went out and said it like I meant it. And I really didn\u2019t appreciate her taking it. And she was taking it to her bosses, basically. And telling them, \u201cWell, this is what was said.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nKatie: Yeah.<\/p>\n
Carol: I mean, I was just venting. I was talking to somebody on my own level. I made a huge mistake. I didn\u2019t ask her to hold it confidentially and not to tell anybody because it was just venting.<\/p>\n
Katie: Yeah. Well, so there\u2019s a lesson there in validating what the sensitivity of what somebody is saying to you.<\/p>\n
That happened to me recently. I burned a friend accidently and she had told me some information about a project that was going on at some place where she had worked. And she gave me some insight as to \u2013 \u201cBy the way, it\u2019s going to be difficult because it\u2019s a political position or people are\u2026\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nYou know, whatever was it she said and specific about it \u2013 I didn\u2019t realize that was sensitive. I thought it was public knowledge that it was a politically sensitive position or whatever it was that she had told me.<\/p>\n
And it got back to her and she called me and she said, \u201cI just wanted to ask you. Did you tell anybody else about what I told you?\u201d<\/em> And I had to say, \u201cYeah, yeah, yeah.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nSo I felt horrible, horrible. Should she have framed it more delicately when she told me? Yes. She thought it was obvious and I did not. I thought that was common knowledge that she was passing onto me.<\/p>\n
So there you are. I\u2019ve just gossiped and I didn\u2019t realize that it was going to hurt somebody. And so I looked unprofessional by not checking.<\/p>\n
Carol: Sure. So what did you do about it?<\/p>\n
Katie: I called her. Well, when she was on the phone, she called me and I just had to say, \u201cI\u2019m so, so sorry. And here\u2019s who I think I told and why it got back to you.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nCarol: Sure.<\/p>\n
Katie: And she said, \u201cWell, it\u2019s just kind of interesting because when it got back to me \u2013 it was almost word per word what I told you.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nCarol: Oh, wow! That doesn\u2019t usually happen. I mean, usually it takes a twist or too.<\/p>\n
Katie: Yeah, yeah. Exactly! And I still needed to take her out to lunch. But I sent her a note in the mail. It just said, \u201cI feel horrible about that happening. And just know that my intent was not for that to happen. I just didn\u2019t check. I just did not realize it was\u2026\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nCarol: You didn\u2019t think about it being\u2026<\/p>\n
Katie: And don\u2019t you know? When those sorts of things happen, you just hate yourself.<\/p>\n
Carol: Oh, yeah!<\/p>\n
Katie: And gossip is the same sort of thing. I mean, I will pass on something and then I\u2019ll look back and I\u2019ll say, \u201cGod! That sounded kind of catty.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nI got kind a caught up in the stewing in somebody else\u2019s mistake and then I feel bad. To me \u2013 my remorse goes back to what it was like in high school. And my high school wasn\u2019t horrible that way, but how girls can sometimes be mean to one another.<\/p>\n
Carol: Oh my, gosh! The mean girl <\/em>syndrome.<\/p>\nKatie: And I really don\u2019t think I was one of those girls. But I would just be mortified \u2013 if I was.<\/p>\n
Carol: Yeah. Okay. Here\u2019s something that I\u2019m going to say \u2013 and we might bring in the undercover man here in a minute. And that\u2019s just somebody to give us a man\u2019s perspective on this.<\/p>\n
You know, I tell my husband things in a confidential manner and we\u2019re just talking, right? It\u2019s just gossiping. I will admit.<\/p>\n
Katie: Right.<\/p>\n
Carol: He thinks he has to do something about it. He doesn\u2019t realize that I\u2019m just telling him to tell him. I\u2019m not telling him to go beat up whoever said that. He\u2019s got to fix it.<\/p>\n
Katie: He wants to fix it.<\/p>\n
Carol: And it\u2019s interesting because\u2026 And we need to know this. We as women \u2013 are kind of used to that chatty gossip about other people. It\u2019s kind of engrained in us. And I will say for millennia because of cavewomen. We would get together and we were the social ones that would talk about social things, right?<\/p>\n
So I\u2019m going to say that when I tell my husband these things, they\u2019re not necessarily catty \u2013 although they could be perceived that way. But he thinks he has to go out and beat the person up. And it\u2019s not physical. I\u2019m not talking literally, but I\u2019m talking now he\u2019s charged.<\/p>\n
Katie: Right.<\/p>\n
Carol: And then like, \u201cNo, no, no! I was just telling you.\u201d<\/em> I mean, \u201cIf I tell Katie \u2013 stuff, Katie doesn\u2019t run around and tell me how it\u2019s got to be fixed.\u201d <\/em>It\u2019s not about fixing it. It\u2019s about, \u201cI needed somebody to vent with.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\nKatie: Sure.<\/p>\n
Carol: So everybody have that person.<\/p>\n
Katie: My husband is very discreet. But he loves to talk about it.<\/p>\n
Carol: Does he?<\/p>\n
Katie: He won\u2019t take it anywhere. But he will love to hear about it. So I\u2019m not going to say he\u2019s a gossiper because that will come back to me.<\/p>\n
Carol: Right.<\/p>\n
Katie: And we\u2019re broadcasting.<\/p>\n
Carol: And it\u2019s probably not true.<\/p>\n
Katie: No, it\u2019s not true. But if I need to say, \u201cListen to what happened. It just doesn\u2019t seem right. So and so is being mean when she did this. Can you believe\u2026\u201d<\/em> He\u2019ll just be like, \u201cI could not believe\u2026!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nCarol: Right \u2013 just being totally on your side and totally…<\/p>\n
Katie: Yeah. He likes to process it and he kind of likes to say, \u201cI can\u2019t believe somebody would\u2026!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nSo that\u2019s a little gossipy. But there\u2019s also some therapy in it. There\u2019s also a little bit of, \u201cHoney. I need to know what happened. Am I seeing this wrong?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nCarol: \u201cAm I being too sensitive about it?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nKatie: That\u2019s helpful.<\/p>\n
Carol: \u201cShould I really be pissed in this situation or should I just let it go?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nKatie: So maybe gossip between ourselves and our primary others \u2013 our partner. Maybe that\u2019s not really gossip.<\/p>\n
Carol: Well, like I say \u2013 have a trusted friend that knows the things that you\u2019re saying\u2026 or maybe isn\u2019t in your industry that would help, but knows that the things you\u2019re saying are private and you need to share because you need to\u2026<\/p>\n
And mostly, it\u2019s because we\u2019re wanting validation and that\u2019s what we get from our friends \u2013 which is not always what I get from my husband. A lot of times he\u2019s like, \u201cWell, you\u2019re wrong.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nKatie: Right, right.<\/p>\n
Carol: It\u2019s like, \u201cNo! That\u2019s not what Katie would say.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nKatie: \u201cWhy would you ever think that?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nCarol: So would you like to bring in\u2026?<\/p>\n
Katie: Let\u2019s bring in the undercover man.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n[MUSIC PLAYS]<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n
This is the portion of our podcast called \u201cThe Undercover Man\u201d <\/em>\u2013 where we bring in the perspective of the opposite sex.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n
Carol: And here he is on stage number two.<\/p>\n
Undercover Man: No.<\/p>\n
Katie: We have a man here and we wanted to see what his perspective is \u2013 on this tip.<\/p>\n
We\u2019re at Tip Number 3 \u2013 Avoid gossip. It looks immensely unprofessional.<\/em><\/p>\nWe think this may have some gender implications. Let us first be clear that our undercover man \u2013 chose not to identify himself.<\/p>\n
Undercover Man: For obvious reasons.<\/p>\n
Katie: You\u2019re right. That\u2019s undercover. So we think you maybe more safe to say what you think.<\/p>\n
Undercover Man: Okay. I\u2019ll try.<\/p>\n
Katie: Alright. Tell us whether there is a huge gender difference in how gossip is carried out in the workplace.<\/p>\n
Undercover Man: I have seen some differences about how gossip is carried out. But I do want to be clear \u2013 that in my experience, both men and women do gossip. But I think maybe in general, there are some differences.<\/p>\n
Now, you can have some\u2026 the outliers in both camps can really be the one that you have to watch out for. So there can be some men that all they do \u2013 is gossip. But I think in general, men do not enjoy the sport of gossip \u2013 quite as much as women did.<\/p>\n
Katie: Do they look as unprofessional? Is there more prone for women to look unprofessional doing it? Is it because of our tone? Why do we get more trouble doing it?<\/p>\n
Undercover Man: I think it maybe topic related \u2013 as much as tone related.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re talking about something that you\u2019re not sure about \u2013 but if it were true, it would be hugely important and in most cases \u2013 actionable, that maybe okay. That\u2019s just like a strategic intelligence or watching out for the business or something.<\/p>\n
But if it\u2019s something that whether it\u2019s true or not or is not going to make a whole hell of beans of difference \u2013 other than maybe hurting some feelings all around, then that\u2019s where I think the line should be bright.<\/p>\n
And again, is it both men and women? Yes. But in my experience, if we\u2019re honest here for in the cone of honesty \u2013 then I believe I have seen some differences.<\/p>\n
Carol: We are always in that cone \u2013 when we have the undercover man. Just so you know.<\/p>\n
Katie: If I\u2019m a follower and I\u2019m listening to the podcast \u2013 Where do I want to draw that line? What do I want to be careful with and what are the red flags?<\/p>\n
Undercover Man: Well, I think from a professionalism point of view \u2013 it\u2019s like speculating about things, trying to guess the motivations of certain people and certain things is not a bad thing. That\u2019s a human strength \u2013 the ability to predict future behavior by current behavior. That\u2019s not a weakness \u2013 that\u2019s a strength.<\/p>\n
Katie: Yeah.<\/p>\n
Undercover Man: But I think it\u2019s a question of \u2013 If that\u2019s your only strategy \u2013 is to try to guess what people are doing when there\u2019s other means available to you, like going in and asking them or saying, \u201cHey, what\u2019s going on here?\u201d<\/em> That\u2019s where I think that it can really make a person of either gender look really bad.<\/p>\nCarol: Interesting.<\/p>\n
Katie: What would you say \u2013 we need to look out for, Carol? So \u2013 the unprofessional aspect of it? How can we leverage passing on information in a useful way where we\u2019re making safe assumptions that lead us to actions and results versus \u2013 be careful about where you thread.<\/p>\n
Carol: And I think the undercover man had it right. When you\u2019re talking strategy and business, as opposed to personalities and personal things, I think that maybe the bright line \u2013 that if you can stay away from talking about personalities and personal issues and as long as you\u2019re talking about something to do with work.<\/p>\n
Now, we brought up an example and it was \u2013 \u201cSo and so got a DWI.\u201d <\/em>Now, in the cast that that person is a driver in your fleet, somebody probably needs to know that and be sure you\u2019re going to the right person. But just to put it out there in the lunch room, that\u2019s probably a personal issue that somebody else has.<\/p>\nUndercover Man: Well, even if they\u2019re not a driver. And you know? DWI is a crime that has big political image and marketing and brand associations.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s not the sort of thing that would be inappropriate to share with somebody at a higher level or at a level that could do something about it.<\/p>\n
But I totally agree. You don\u2019t want to go blabbing that in the lunch room before the people in the company that can really do something about it \u2013 in terms of acting or reacting can do something about it.<\/p>\n
Katie: It\u2019s a sensitive issue.<\/p>\n
Undercover Man: \u00a0Yeah. That\u2019s another point \u2013 is who you\u2019re talking to about a topic, makes a big difference.<\/p>\n
Katie: Sure. I do have a couple of communication tips \u2013 when I talk about the communications class that I sometimes teach.<\/p>\n
What are some unprofessional\u2026? Where is the verbiage that you need to be careful of? And there\u2019s two things that I tell people to look for.<\/p>\n
First of all \u2013 if you\u2019re using judgmental words, if you start to get into a judgmental word like stupid, lazy, dumb, criminal,<\/em> you\u2019re probably describing something in a way that\u2019s more tainted than it needs to be so you\u2019ve dwelled\u2026<\/p>\nCarol: More gossipy?<\/p>\n
Katie: Yeah. You\u2019ve dwelled into unprofessionalism.<\/p>\n
Carol: Right.<\/p>\n
Katie: You can pass on information and be objective with what you clear. \u201cYou know, of observations, here\u2019s what I saw and here\u2019s the specifics around it\u201d<\/em> \u2013 without drawing the implications.<\/p>\nThe second thing \u2013 is whether you use what I call the absolutes,<\/em> the always, never, sometimes, everybody, nobody.<\/em><\/p>\nCarol: We call it in our family \u2013 reactionary language.<\/em><\/p>\nKatie: Oh, you do?<\/p>\n
Carol: We do.<\/p>\n
Katie: If I\u2019m saying, \u201cEverybody saw that guy get pulled over.\u201d<\/em> That\u2019s not true and you\u2019re sensationalizing it.<\/p>\nCarol: Right.<\/p>\n
Katie: If you find yourself sensationalizing something because you\u2019re a drama queen and you get more of an audience, you\u2019re probably drifting into unprofessional and you\u2019re probably drifting into gossip. So I\u2019d catch yourself there \u2013 resist the urge.<\/p>\n
Carol: Got it.<\/p>\n
Katie: Those are couple of good tips.<\/p>\n
Undercover Man: I agree. And because the song is so cool \u2013 can I play that for my outro, please?<\/p>\n
Katie: You may.<\/p>\n
Undercover Man: Thank you.<\/p>\n
Katie: Thanks undercover man.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n[MUSIC PLAYS]<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n
Carol: Okay. So that was the undercover man. And we were talking about gossip.<\/p>\n
Katie: That\u2019s it for this podcast \u2013 all about gossip and how to be more professional.<\/p>\n
Next time we\u2019re going to bring you a conglomeration of tips from the book. Tip 4, 5, 6<\/em> and 7<\/em> \u2013 all about public speaking.<\/p>\n\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n[MUSIC PLAYS]<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n
That\u2019s it for this episode of the Skirt Strategies<\/em> podcast. Thank you for joining us and please be sure to leave a question or comment at s<\/a> kirtstrategies.com<\/a><\/em> .<\/em><\/a> Remember that success comes when you lead using your natural female strengths.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"In this episode Katie and Carol discuss Tip No. 3 from Skirt Strategies: 249 Success Tips for Women in Leadership: Avoid gossip. It looks immensely unprofessional. I hate to say it ladies, but we are often labeled as gossipers. That goes hand-in-hand with passing along hearsay, speculating interpersonal clashes, and thriving on unconfirmed fashion reports. […]<\/p>\n
http:\/\/traffic.libsyn.com\/paththreellc\/020SkirtStrategiesPodcast.mp3<\/a><\/audio><\/div>Podcast: Download<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[24],"tags":[77,78],"class_list":["post-2833","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-podcast","tag-gossip","tag-professionalism-for-women"],"yoast_head":"\nAvoid Gossip: It Looks Immensely Unprofessional<\/title>\n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n\t \n\t \n\t \n