Taking a discussion from dreaded to effective can take some guts. Ever feel like that’s a challenge for you?

Some critical communication techniques include drafting an initial script to enter the conversation. We can show you some ways to start that off, as well as other ideas to muster up the backbone.

More in the video!

If you are into the podcast approach, you may be interested in listening to the podcast about tough conversations (30 minutes) where we talk more about “dreadedness!”

At Skirt Strategies we focus on a different leadership goal each month, providing a training tip via video and weekly training assignments for subscribed members.

 

TRANSCRIPTION (for those of you that can’t sit still long enough to watch a video)

(Music plays)

Katie: Hi everyone. I’m Katie Snapp.

Carol: And I’m Carol Wight.

Katie: We’re bringing to you another tip for women in leadership, how to manage yourself better.

Carol: How to manage everything better.

Katie: Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Carol: This topic today a good topic for women, dreaded conversations.

Katie: The word dreaded, what does that do for you? It’s very self-descriptive, isn’t it?

Carol: Sure it is.

Katie: Because we all have those sorts of dreaded conversations. We thought we’d give you a few ideas for how to best prepare for dreaded conversations.

Carol: And basically what we’re going to do today is give you the courage to make it happen.

Katie: Oh in a little pill. Call now, 1-800…

One of the tips in our book happens to be about dreaded conversations. Do you have that in front of you? The tip?

Carol: I don’t have the tip in front of me. It’s right there.

Katie: I’ll read it. Tough conversations are easy to avoid. Have the courage to make them happen. Tough conversations are so easy to avoid. Do you ever do that?

Carol: I always avoid them and I think we mentioned this at some point that one of the reasons Katie and I have gotten together at some point is because she was coaching me through a dreaded conversation that I had to have.

Katie: That’s right.

Carol: So in the end if you can’t do it, get a coach.

Katie: Find someone to give you some courage, a girlfriend, a coach, a glass of wine – liquid courage, right? So having the backbone to know that you have to get into those situations, it isn’t always a conversation that you necessarily need to have.

Carol: You know, sometimes you are in a reactionary mode, you feel like the best thing to do is just confront somebody. I would say be careful, step back, and really make sure that this is a conversation that has to be had. And you know it. You’ve thought about it for maybe weeks and you know it has to happen.

Katie: What would be some of the reasons that you wouldn’t want it to happen? Why would you avoid it? Why would you legitimately avoid it?

Carol: Oh I don’t know that it’s ever legitimate if it’s a conversation that has to happen. But I do know that there is a lot of fear behind it.

Katie: Well I’ll give you an example of one that I think is legitimate to avoid. If the personalities that are involved are no-win personalities – I’m not going to categorize people as personality disorders but we know when there are people that so difficult to work with that you can’t have a productive conversation. As my husband Bobby says, “If it’s doing nothing more than making you feel better but you are not expecting the outcome to be any different, then maybe that’s fine.” Maybe it’s still worth it to have it.

But if you are not going to get anything out of it and you think that this person does not have the capacity to have a productive conversation then maybe just not have it.

Carol: Then don’t have it. So there is that but if you’re walking around with this feeling inside of you that you really just have to get something done about this, then you have to have the conversation for you if nothing else, maybe not to straighten out the other person but definitely to keep you sane and happy.

Katie: Well let’s help you get a little bit prepared for a conversation that’s dreaded that you might need to have.

Carol: So are you having to have this dreaded discussion or I am?

Katie: You’ll be the conversationalist. First consider how you would like to have the conversation – this is prep – how would you to have it initiated?

Carol: Okay. So I know one of our tips, the tip for this is to write it down. So actually spend some time thinking about how this conversation is going to start. You’ll never know how it’s going to end or how it’s going to go so at least prepare for how it’s going to start.

Katie: I would say go as far as to script it.

Carol: Yes, the beginning, right?

Katie: “Jack I would like to have a conversation with you about something that happened recently.”

Or sometimes putting your heart out on the line, “Jack, I’ve been dreading talking to you about something because for some reason it scares me. Can you help me walk through it?”

Carol: That’s a good way to put it. Just letting people know, “I’ve dreaded this conversation and I’m hoping that we can get through it without – “

Katie: “Killing each other.” So that helps think about the scripting for the entrée, and if you can get the entrée started on the right foot you are more likely to have the rest go smoothly, a non-confrontational start of some point is a good way of doing it. But it depends on the situation.

If it’s a boss, if it’s a subordinate, if you have a level of authority where you really can say, “I need to talk to you about something. Sit down.” That level of authority is perfectly fine.

Think about the goal of the outcome. What would you like to get out of the interaction?

Carol: Yeah because if you don’t know there are different outcomes and different goals for a conversation like this. If you don’t know what the end game is, then you could walk away from the conversation even more confused and dreaded than you walked into it.

Katie: I would say that that’s where some of us have a problem is we think by initiating a dreaded conversation you’re going to get the problem resolved. That might be shooting too high.

What if all you need is get it surfaced? Or all you need is for the other person to listen and then you come back? Or all you need is a temporary solution? That can help you set your expectations a little lower which we at Skirt Strategies know they are easier to achieve if the expectations are lower.

Carol: No we’d like you to set them high but in this case if the outcome is okay, if you don’t resolve everything, then make that a part of your goal. Make that a part of what you sit down and figure out.

So you are figuring out:

1. What am I going to say? What’s going to be the entrée into this discussion?
2. What is my goal for the conversation?

Katie: Then the rest of the conversation you can’t really script so now you’ve prepared. You’ve gotten an entrée. You’ve got a goal. Decide when you want to initiate this. Do you want it to be a casual off the cuff kind of conversation? Do you want it to be more formal?

Carol: Do you want to call somebody into your office and shut the door? Is it that kind of conversation? And it’s okay if it is. Or is it something that you can say in the hallway at passing? So figure that out.

Katie: I had a conversation with my daughter yesterday on something that I had been meaning to tell her – it was a parenting thing. And she’s not necessarily sensitive but I wanted it to be at the right time so this is timely information to pass onto her. I was kind of dreading it. I had been thinking about it so I think what I had done is program my head a little bit to consider what is this conversation that I want to have? Then suddenly it came up. It was a situation where a related topic came up and it just came up, “this is perfect.” So it was more off the cuff, but still somewhat mentally prepared. So I liked that.

Be ready for a reaction. Know that the other person might have some sort of a reaction.

Carol: They might get a little defensive so be prepared and know what your reaction to their reaction might be but you’ve never going to know exactly how this is going to go so don’t try to script it for both of you because you’ll never know what their reaction is going to be.

Katie: And then I’d say the last thing to remember is to be present. Stay with your here and now. Don’t get caught up in emotion. Be ready to be caught up in emotion if that’s where your body takes you but to be able to know that you are thinking clearly and as straightforward as can be.

Carol: And keep the end goal in mind. So if the end goal is getting resolution, keep that in mind as you’re going through some emotional things because your emotions come up here and if you are keeping something else in mind, “No, I can get through this because I know the end goal is that we’re going to work better together.”

Katie: Amen sister!

Carol: That’s it.

Katie: That’s great. This is all good to talk about. You know having somebody to talk about with it is huge. Therein lies the biggest difference between men and women is women like to talk things through. We process it that way.

Carol: We do process it better.

Katie: Sometimes men think that’s crazy but –

Carol: I know but it’s not.

Katie: It works for us. So here at Skirt Strategies we provide tips and training for women, their professional development. We’d love to have you follow either free or as a monthly subscriber which only costs you a tiny little bit of money. Tiny Trainings, Big Results for a tiny price of $8 a month. Join us if you would like to and at the very least we’d like to have you a part of our tribe.

 

(Music plays)

[end of transcript]