“OUCH!” I said. “That hurts.”
That’s one of my go-to lines for managing myself through criticism. It works for getting bad news too! It’s a little funny, a little dramatic, and a little “I’m letting it roll off my back.” Just saying it out loud takes a load off.
In the video, we are presenting a new perspective on criticism … seeing it as an opportunity. In the consulting business, we say “Feedback is a gift.” Our friends at www.TinyBuddha.com helped us with a cool list of the 5 Opportunities that we can pull from receiving criticism.
Put on that suit of armor and straighten your spine. We’re gonna take you through it!
At Skirt Strategies we focus on a different leadership goal each month, providing a training tip via video and weekly training assignments for subscribed members.
Tips Adapted from How to Deal with Criticism Well: 25 Reasons to Embrace It, www.TinyBuhhha.com
Video Transcript
Carol: This month we’ve got a special topic for you, a topic that I’m going to learn more from than possibly you are.
Katie: Great. We’re going to watch it in action?
Carol: You can see the light bulb go on.
Katie: Receiving criticism is something we hear all the time from our fellow ladies in leadership so we offer this up as this month’s topic to give to you for your natural leadership skills.
Carol: It’s a difficult, very emotional thing to do, to receive criticism. I think we just have to figure out how to get better at it.
Katie: So we’ll give you a few tips and probably the most critical tip that I want everyone to remember right off the bat, and you are going to hear it all through the month, me reemphasizing it, if you see criticism as something that’s valuable, you are more likely to embrace it and not react to it.
Carol: Sure.
Katie: How might you see it as something that’s valuable? Well I say there are five different areas and actually I say, but I have gotten some ideas from my friends over at TinyBuddha.com, so I want to give them credit for these five areas, the five areas that show that we benefit in receiving criticism.
So let’s present some all five of those areas.
Carol: So if you can just keep these things in mind as you are receiving criticism. Look, I’m gaining personal growth.
Katie: That’s the first one.
Carol: That’s number one.
Katie: I’m gaining personal growth which looks like feedback is a gift. We say that in the consulting industry.
Carol: As somebody is giving you feedback or criticism you are sitting there thinking, feedback is a gift.
Katie: It’s like asking for permission to criticism somebody. I’m going to give you a gift and it’s going to be a criticism. But if you see feedback as a gift, it’s an open door to seeing what someone else might see.
So, once you don’t become defensive over it but you say, “Well what can I get from what this person is giving me with their criticism?”
First of all, they are giving us their view of reality.
Carol: Sure and it may not be your view but more likely it is not your view but it may be a lot of other people’s view so you really do need to take it and enhance what they’ve told you.
Katie: It also is a great opportunity for personal growth because it gives you the chance to practice empathy, to practice your listening skills, not to mention how to put things in perspective.
Carol: Well and the second point of this is emotional benefits. I don’t know about you gals, but I get emotional when people give me criticism and feedback. And so I’ve got to keep myself in check.
Katie: Carol you are horrible at that. How does that make you feel?
Carol: A little emotional. A little defensive. I can get to the point where I cry too.
Katie: I’ve always seen you be very composed with criticism.
Carol: That’s because you criticize me all the time.
Katie: Because I criticize you gently.
Carol: Oh no, that’s not criticism, that is a gift.
Katie: Thank you. See you are catching on.
Carol: I am going to see it as a gift.
Katie: I don’t criticize you that much do I?
Carol: No I’m just kidding.
Katie: Because you don’t do much wrong.
Carol: That’s right.
Katie: I see the emotional benefits of getting criticism from others as the self-growth. And my husband has taught me so much from this because he’s great at giving feedback. He’s usually diplomatic but sometimes he isn’t. But even when he is diplomatic I have a tendency to get defensive so it has given me that opportunity to manage myself, to stay composed, to be able to acknowledge what he might be saying in a way where I’m hearing it, I’m listening to it, and I’m taking it – I might not take it for gospel. It might not be the truth but it is someone’s perspective.
It also sends the message that if you are going to be a good calm, composed listener to somebody giving your criticism, you are putting peace before the willingness to conflict. That’s going to be great for personal relationships, which is the next one.
Carol: God I can learn from this.
Katie: So improved relationships. Think about somebody that you might give a criticism to, and by the way, intent in criticism could be that I was trying to be helpful, but they saw it as a criticism. So perspective and intent is often very, very different.
When someone is giving you what they intend to be something kind of helpful and you are seeing it as criticism, you’re taking it in a way that is empathetic and listening, says to them that you are collaborating. It says to them that you are not going to put up your fists and fight back.
Carol: That you are willing to take the feedback in order to be in a better relationship with them, right?
Katie: Exactly and I also say it says to them that you’ve got the composure in a situation like that where you are hearing something negative, you’ve got the mature composure to be a better collaborator with them, be a better partner with them, whatever the relationship might be.
Carol: Interesting. So the fourth one here, I’m not quite understanding so what is the time efficiency perspective?
Katie: Well for those of you that might be very efficiency focused, think about how much time you spend stewing over things. So if someone’s giving you some criticism, you mentally, you go off on it, and you are stewing and, “I can’t believe they said that.”
Carol: You wrap yourself around it.
Katie: I hate myself.
Carol: It becomes something obsessive.
Katie: Now you have just averted your energy from a whole bunch of over stuff.
It also will keep you if you are good at that, if you are good at managing the time, getting out of it quickly, which is another emotional benefit, quickly letting it go, embracing it, hearing it, understanding it, and letting it go.
If you meditate you can be very good at this. This is one of the advantages of meditation, that self-management mentally. Now the next time you have a conflict or a negative feedback from this person, you are more likely to be able to let it go more quickly.
Carol: Interesting. I just took a breath of fresh air on that one.
Katie: Isn’t it beautiful?
Carol: I get that. And then self-confidence.
Katie: Well that kind of brings everything right back into the picture. If you’ve done all of the above correctly or effectively, let’s say, how is that going to make you feel about what you’ve just con conquered?
Carol: And your ability.
Katie: And you are proud of yourself. So and so just said this to me and someone says, “Oh my gosh. Didn’t that crush you?”
“Nah. I let it roll off my back. I learned from it.”
Carol: “Learned what I needed,” as you roll your eyes.
Katie: We talk a lot about how you get emotionally wrought when we react sometimes. You stop thinking. So if you can rein that in and let it go a bit, later on you’ll probably think a little bit more about what they said.
And there may be some truth in it. You may decide that there is a piece of that, especially if it’s a theme you are seeing over and over again, that you want to change. You are on the path to becoming a fabulous female leader, which is what we are here for.
Carol: So you can stay composed in this situation of somebody giving you critical feedback. All right.
Katie: When you see feedback, embrace it.
Carol: There you go.
Katie: Okay that’s it for this month. I don’t know what that means by the way.
Carol: I hope it means peace-out.
Katie: For those of you that are monthly members you know that this is the start of the month where you get something every week. We call that the Monday Morning Detox. It only costs $8 so if you are interested in having an assignment, which we’re going to give for each of those five areas because there are five Mondays this month, we’re going to task the followers with something to do in each of these areas. It’s not burdensome; it’s a quick podcast and a one page assignment. We’d love to have you in that tribe but we love having you here whether you are in the $8 tribe or not.
Carol: That’s right.
Katie: We’ll see you next time for more of your female leadership skills.
(Music plays)
[end of transcript]