Back to the Basics, lady leaders. That’s always a good place to get centered. Here are some TRAINING TIPS for communicating.
My mama used to say, “Honey, I am so impressed with how well you did that.” That’s where I get my reinforcement to be courageous and stay clear-headed. Where does yours come from?
This video will step you through two great areas for leadership development for women.
- Asking powerful questions
- Being confident in your communicating
More in the video!
If you are the type that digs the training, take ours weekly. Learn about assignments for subscribed members.
PODCAST TRANSCRIPTION
Katie: Welcome to another video training for women in leadership. This is your hot flash training for women.
Carol: Hot flash!
Katie: We’re talking about something this month that is a common… I think I can say its right at there with world peace. And it’s communications.
You know, Carol – you and I have done a lot with communications. And our favorite way of presenting it – is to give women small actionable pieces of something that they can do immediately.
Carol: Absolutely. And that’s what we’re here about. And today, we’re going to be talking about Brave Communications.
Katie: We’re putting it in the format of brave in that.
Sometimes you have to jump in there and be just a little bit more assertive with your communication in order to make it work for you.
The two techniques in this training that we’re going to share with you are powerful questions. We’ll give you some examples that work well with specific situations – as well as the self-confidence that goes on in your message.
Carol: Nice. I love powerful questions.
Katie: I know. And having a few in your hip pocket is always a great thing.
So we’ll use those more immediately. Now, those can come right to mind – powerful questions, especially if you have one of two that are your go-to’s. We’ll talk more about that. And then your head game – How you can remain positive and composed.
Those of you that know us – know that we have tiny trainings with big results. This is one of those tiny trainings. As I say, “We do this all the time.”
Let’s talk first about powerful questions. Carol – you know how a lot of people say you should have something in your kitbag?
Carol: Your toolkit?
Katie: Yeah, your toolkit. We call it a cosmetic kit or a cosmetic bag.
Carol: I like it.
Katie: These are some of the questions. I know you’re never in the situation, but when you’re attempted to retort…
Carol: Oh, sure. I’m never in that situation.
Katie: Oh! I was in one yesterday and I held my tongue. I just knew that if I was going to say something, it was going to be damaging.
This is my go-to line. “That’s interesting. Why would you say that?”
Carol: Oh! That puts it in their lap didn’t it?
Katie: Don’t you think – in a good way?
Carol: Yeah. So why would you say that? And what an innocent way to say… Never mind. I won’t say it.
Katie: “Where are you coming from?”
Carol: Yeah.
Katie: In the situation that I had recently – it was somebody that was attacking me and she was very defensive. And I used this and it got her to just slow down a little bit. It may not have solved the problem, but it got her to slow down.
So that’s the first question we think is great to have in your hip pocket.
Carol: That’s interesting. Why would you say that? Good. I like it. Okay, keep going.
Katie: What about – when you want the other person to know that you care or you’re listening well?
This is a standard question when the relationship can be built more strongly. “What is important to you?”
Carol: What’s most important to you? That’s nice.
And every once in a while, I think people – as you’re going through it, these things are all important. “Well, which one of these is most important to you?” Nice. I like that.
Katie: If you’re building a long term relationship – like with a customer or with an employee or with a boss, this is a great question for a boss.
Carol: Good. Isn’t that great? Oh, don’t let my employees know that and my staff.
“What’s most important to you?” It’s like, “I don’t know. I liked it all.”
Katie: What about – when the conversation maybe provoking emotions?
Carol: Oh, that’s what I just clam up because I’m afraid I’m going to cry.
Katie: Well, this is the value of a question – is it takes it off of your plate and it puts it in more of a conversational piece.
What comes up for you – when we talk about this issue? Now, you got to be ready for the answer, don’t you?
Carol: Yeah. And maybe some tears. I don’t know.
Katie: Maybe. There’s no shame in tears.
Carol: No.
Katie: So those are the first three. Here’s three others that I think are typical scenarios that we end up being in.
What about when conflict is eminent? You’re ready to attack. You’re ready to shut someone up. You’re ready to say something that you’re going to regret.
Fall back to what is it that we know we agree on or what would you say we agree on.
Carol: Boy, that’s nice. You’ve find the positive. Sure. You know that it may go the other direction. But at least, you’re starting from the positive. That’s great.
Katie: Then there are lots of times when another person is not engaging to the degree that you might need them to.
And so, this question is perfect for that. “How do you see the problem or how do you see the problem or how?”
Carol: “How might you see this problem?”
Katie: “If you were to talk, what would you say?”
Here’s another question for that same scenario. “What else can we do to address this issue?”
Carol: Nice.
Katie: By the way – with all of these questions, you state them or you ask them, I should say. Then you don’t state the answer – you let them state the answer, right?
Carol: So this is a place where silence is golden.
Katie: For those of you that can’t be quiet.
Carol: And that would be me. So often I would say, “What would you say we agree on?” “I think it’s blah, blah, blah.”
Katie: Yeah, exactly.
Carol: So just let them speak.
Katie: And then I ended on this last one – which was, “What about when you want to just turn it around to encourage some sort of a positive tone? What might you say?”
Make it about them. Ask them what they need – in order to be their best and adapt for the situation.
Carol: Nice. Sure.
Katie: So all great questions that can get you some time – buy you a little bit of time, get the other person involved, make it more of a dialogue than a monologue.
Carol: Take down the reactionary behavior and language and everything else that takes the stand to it – very calm, lovely place to be with somebody.
Katie: Right. So that’s the first piece of the training in communication. The second piece is one that we women are often raising our hand and saying, “Help! Help! Help!”
Self-confidence in your message – “What’s going on in your head?” Not that your head is needing realignment. But in a lot of those cases, it really is, right?
So in the world of self-confidence, the message that you send should have self-confidence communicated in it. The way that you state something – maybe the tell-all to others, it tells others how much you believe it.
So what’s the tell-all to others? If you say it with a bit of conditional or a little bit of a question on the end like – “I’m not sure?” or a little floppy. What’s that say to others about it?
Carol: That you don’t believe it yourself.
Katie: Right. We’ve used this quote before – from our friend, Olivia Fox Cabane in the Charisma Myth.
Carol: Yes.
Katie: Why don’t you read that?
Carol: The confidence head game – Assuming a strong confidential, physical posture will make you feel more confident and more powerful. As you feel more powerful, your body language adapts accordingly.
This in turn – gives you, yet another biochemical boost and the cycle builds upon itself. All you have to do is get the cycle going. And if you keep practicing, confident body language will become a second nature.
So it has a lot to do with body language – as much as what you’re saying.
Your communication has to do with body language. So what you say is important. But also, the way you’re presenting yourself is important.
Katie: Right. You know, when we feel ourselves being confident, when we feel like we’re sitting up straight or we feel like we’re assertive or we’re leaning into something almost physically, (not just literally, but figuratively as well) it sends that message chest that we’re in it. We’re in that head game and we’re feeling more confident. Your mind responds to your body being that way and then it builds upon itself in a positive way. By the way, it can go the other direction too.
Carol: Yes.
Katie: If you’re feeling like quickly – “Things are going down really fast.”
Carol: Yeah.
Katie: But you can manage that. And that’s why we have you listen to yourself talk. Identifying what you say and how you say it. What you say and how you say it.
Now, what goes on with that? Well, your self-talk message. How many of you (by show of hands out in the audience) talk to yourself?
When you are talking to yourself and the message is confident – like, “I can do this. I can handle this.” Or sometimes I just say to myself, “Brave, courageous, I can push through this.”
Carol: You know what I say? “I’m smarter than everybody else in this room.”
Katie: Yup. Or you know your stuff and you’re there for a reason.
Carol: I know more about this than anybody else – so therefore, I’m confident about it.
Katie: And if they’re on the defense or they’re even on the offense or they’re just not playing straight up with you and you’re feeling like it’s a conversation that’s going South – a confident message might be, “Well, I have them up in arms because they know that I know my stuff, they know that I’m confident, they know that I’m good.”
That’s the sort of confident self-talk that you want to be listening to and generating. And you can control that.
So if you hear yourself beginning to turn yourself talking to something more questionable like “Uh-oh” or “They’re going to win this argument” or “They don’t believe what I’m saying.” You may have to jump in and tell yourself, “That’s not right. I do know what I’m talking about.” That’s the positive that we’re talking.
Carol: They’re being really silent because they’re listening to me. It’s not because they don’t believe what I’m saying. It’s because they’re listening, because what I’m saying is very interesting.
Katie: Right.
Carol: Interestingly – when I speak in public, I always get a little bit nervous because everybody’s silent and I’m thinking, “Oh my God, they’re silent. Oh yeah, they’re listening.”
Katie: Yeah. “They’re hanging on my every word.”
Carol: That’s right.
Katie: It’s not that they’re questioning it. But it can go that way – if you’ve ever tried to use humor in front of a crowd.
I had a group the other night, (the one that you were in, Carol.) They were not voice stress. And that it was just the tone on the meeting, that wasn’t me.
And I saw some smiles and I saw some nods and I got a lot of positive feedback. And it was kind of like about a year ago – I talked to a group of engineers and I had some pretty good jokes in there. I’m not a joke teller, but I do like to use humor.
And I walked off the stage – feeling like (in the case of the engineer’s) “Well, I didn’t get a lot of feedback from them. God! What a bunch of dead people on a log.”
It would’ve been really easy for me to stand up there and think, “Uh oh! This is flopping. They don’t like me.”
Carol: But instead you told yourself, “These are great jokes.” And they don’t have sense of humor.
Katie: Yeah. They were laughing on the inside.
Carol: Right. Yeah.
Katie: And afterwards, I can’t tell you how many people came up to me and said, “That was great.” I cannot tell you how many people said that.
Carol: Well, the same last week – when you were in a room full of women. And I thought they were having a pretty good time in the middle of your speech. So I think you couldn’t hear them from the back.
Katie: So this is kind of the summary that you and I, Carol – want women to know about that part of the confidence – is to know yourself, know where your hot buttons are, know where you tend to go.
Are you a pessimist? Are you an optimist? Or the message you tell yourself – What do you want re-write them to be?
And then manage yourself. Know yourself, manage yourself and then last of all, listen to yourself. And if you’re doing all 3 of those in concert with one another, you’re more likely to have a confident message emerge from that.
Carol: Right. Listen to yourself talk and manage that. And that’s a great part of having the confident appearance.
Katie: Yeah. So there’s a lot more stuff on our website – for those of you that are into developing your professional leadership with other women like us. There’s me and Carol right there. They’re easy online assignments.
We also have a membership – where we give women assignment each week in a different area in this. This video happens to be kicking off a month where we’re talking about communication.
So those of you that are in the pack that have signed up for that, know that you’ll be getting an assignment one each week for the next 4 weeks, having to do with communication.
But follow us. There’s more at www.skirtstrategies.com/membership.
Carol – anything else you want to say?
Carol: No. Just communicate well.
Katie: Thanks for being with us.
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